Thursday, October 17, 2013

In the Midst of Going Dark

It's a term used by the Gullah, usually applied to women, and is basically code for them being in a mood.

I am in a mood, therefore...I've gone dark. Basically it's where you habitually meditate on every wrong thing in your life or day, and it happens at a particular time each month--and no I'm not bipolar either. :(

It's one of those weeks/days, you know...all girls will understand. I'd also like to take a side note by pointing out that I don't normally mention--even to my close friends--when I'm in bad mood; that's just me. So this post really isn't going to be a rant, or at least, I will try to keep it from that. Please don't let irony strike me dead!

Anyway, going dark, right...well, it started this morning when I had to get up at an ungodly hour because of my Physical Fitness class and the fact that my truck doesn't run off caffeine like I do. So I got up early to finish my chores and go to school, but as I was stepping out the door (at six in the morning--which is ungodly for me) I set off our alarm system. I woke up my dad, mom, baby sister, neighbors, and scared the crap out of my brother's cat BJ. Plus I think my heart stopped for a few seconds, but that might have just been from all the caffeine I've been pumping into my adrenal glands for the past two weeks.

Then, as I was walking out the door, I discovered that my class had been canceled, which provided a momentary lapse in irritation and caused me to run around the house screaming: "Dobby is FREE! MASTER HAS GIVEN DOBBY A FREE PERIOD! DOBBY IS FREE!" I'm not kidding, I actually did that and my mother thought it was amusing.

Any-who, I spent my time at the gas station, then enjoying a coffee--more caffeine for my already stoned kidneys and hyper active adrenals--before it was time for history. History is never really boring for today. When Physical Science is more interesting that history for me you KNOW I'm not having a good day. I don't know how I made it through history. Really, I kept praying for my phone to buzz and read:

I'm outside with Dean, Sam, Castiel, John, Daryl, and a mad man with a blue box. Murder in church. Crowley suspected. Moriarty in purgatory. Zombies on your campus. Don't blink. Come if convenient. 


If inconvenient come anyway. Cling to Castiel and he will grip you tight and take you from your classroom. 


And bring pie.


Then I could madly dash out the door and go off to follow a magic haired, scarfed man with no people skills around town all day while possibly explaining the purpose of a rubber duck to a very attractive, and befuddled, angel of the Lord. It would have been awesome.

However, since no such text came I was left to sit through one of our more boring history lessons. By the time English came, which was my favorite class, I was counting the minutes until I could go home. I was so tired.

But it wasn't really my day that had me going dark---it was mainly hormones. I was over thinking everything, and everyone in the world was quickly becoming my enemy. Everything everyone said either meant our relationship was over, I was stupid, or they were counting the minutes until they got away from me. When in fact--as I look back now--their actions indicated nothing of the sort. It was a normal day--to everyone except me. For me it was Shark Week--and they were all cocky seals who were just asking to get bit. But sometimes being a lady shark means you have to suck it up and not bite the snot out of some space encroaching seal with an attitude problem and a head that would look particularly nice on your wall.

Besides....Castiel says I can't go back to Purgatory again this year.

Yea, I joined that fandom. I was already half crazy from all the others--what's one more?

I also lost my faith in humanity. While exiting history class, I spotted two seven year olds waiting outside one of the offices. As I walked past I smiled at them--you know like you do whenever you see young children--but then I turned around to see both boys staring at my rear end while nodding, and the tallest of the two suddenly blurted out (excuse my french) "Dat Ass!"


I'm still not over it.

I'm still vomiting.

Still. Vomiting.

Seriously? Seriously people? Great--that's the generation of kids my children will have to associate with. Wonderful, perfect....just when I thought that the perversion of this generation couldn't possibly go further...

Dean's face says it all. :(

With my mood growing ever more despondent, it was a sweet relief when I got to talk to a particular someone after they drove me to my car. They stayed late, even though they had work and I begged them to go, it was a very sweet moment.

But then Shark Week reared it's ugly head again, and the whole way home I engaged in a bout self esteem damaging over thinking. When I finally got home I was exhausted, hungry (I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I got home at six) and ready for death. I fumbled up the stairs and discovered that my cat had thrown up in the back room of our house and it was my job to clean it up. Several grueling minutes later, during which I actually contemplated the severity of another trip to Purgatory, the cat yak was gone and I finally was allowed to stumble up the stairwell and collapse on my bed in anguish just before the heavy weight boxer decided to start practicing his punches on my insides.

I had gotten up and my own hormones had kicked my butt. But I told myself that any day where you didn't bite, scratch, or kill anyone is a good day. Sadly however, I was already dark and my mood was not improving. So what did I do? I grabbed a mini bag of sour cream and union chips and inhaled it. My mood didn't go up. It's pretty bad when even food doesn't help.

But as I lay there and moped, an idea sprang into my head. It's not a new idea, or even one that uniquely belongs to me, it actually pops into my head whenever I'm in a bad mood but I rarely act off of it as--for some sick reason--there is actually a part of me that enjoys being in a bad mood once I'm in one. This time however, I knew fully that this wasn't me and that my day was actually amazing--I was just in Shark Week.

The idea is this:

Count/List Your Blessings.

Lame, cheap, worn out, all of those terms spring to mind when someone mentions this. It's an old phrase that's spit out so often it lost it's meaning long ago, but today I'm using it because it makes me feel better.

Today I will count my blessings, and I will CHOOSE to see the good in things. This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. The fact that we have a spirit of discipline and self control that is given to us by God. Basically this means that you CAN stop yourself from doing some or start yourself doing something because God gave you the ability and strength through him to do so. This can include eating right, restraining yourself from activities you know are wrong, and thinking a certain way. My thought life is a BIG area of struggle for me, and I think it's due in part to my creative nature. Creative people's minds tend to wander all over the place, and in that we find a lot of our inspiration, however--a wandering mind can also lead to overthinking and depression. By controlling our thoughts--telling ourselves that we won't think badly of others or ourselves--we can actually limit the level of influence bad things have over us.

I know, I don't normally post religious stuff, but this is just something that I've been trying to learn this past week.

So today I will choose to think well--even if I don't feel like it.

Without further adieu, here is The List: 

The Lord who forgives me, loves me, and strengthens me to do all things through him! :D
A loving and patient family who restrains from killing me during Shark Week
Lovely and supportive friends who I got to see several times this week,
Growing photography opportunities!
Octobers--I'm very excited that it's finally fall and the leaves are changing! October is my absolute favorite month!
Straight A's in my classes
Parents who are very generous! :D
A good steady job where the bosses are very kind to me
A good school to go to,
A great friend who will sit and watch Sherlock Holmes: Hound of the Baskervilles with me and then go outside and play tackle foot ball for hours--Tag, JAMES! :D
A new writing/reading/fandom friend in History,
A friend who will trek in the woods for hours and then go with me to BK for a ice coffee! :D Tag, Jessie!
A friend who will read all of my crazy writing! Tag, Hannah!
A friend who will have a paper ball fight with us via Skype! Long story, but tag, Clara! :D
An A+ on my last English paper! That was actually given to me today! I could faint!
Loosing 15-20 pounds--I didn't mean to do it...there's just a lot of hiking opportunities now and not much eating time.
Great teachers,
A canceled class period! Dobby is FREE!
A very cuddly cat named Hobbes,
Sweater weather!
My discovery of frozen Mochas!
A sweet boy who let me borrow the Similarion!
A sweet boy who drives me to my car...same one yes. ;)
My texting upgrade! I've been texting a lot lately
Sneakiness...lot of that going on here! 0_0
And also bashfulness at school---lot of that too! ;D
Aww, Misha! :)

New episodes of the Walking Dead--yes SQUEEEE! Daryl's back!
New Episodes of Supernatural--CASTIEL!
Castiel--my love for this angel knows no bounds. That's my boy!

My boy, Cas! 

Great and interesting people in my English class who I enjoy talking to! 
New and amazing music!
A great meal with company tonight!
Plus the fact that Shark Week only lasts a little while! 

So yes, despite my bad mood, I have actually had an amazing day! Life is good, life is great, and I am grateful for it! I discipline myself to praise Him in all situations and moods! :D I am grateful and given grace! :D

Well, I'm in a better mood now--and thank heaven for it! Now I think I'll retire for a while...before my brain goes back into Shark mode. Yep, the world isn't out of danger yet. Just pray that tomorrow I don't kill someone...or end up in Purgatory. 


Jamie said...

I needed this right now because I just started my Shark Week! Grrrr, these are horrible!

Your day sounds rather terrible but counting your blessings is a great antidote idea. The subject might be over-talked but I actually think it's underused and I need to do this more too! Thank you for your encouraging story!

And, yay, The Walking Dead is back, I can't wait till next week's episode!!!


Rebecca said...

Hey, Jamie!

So glad you liked the post! Urgh, Shark Weeks...I hate them SO much!
Yes! Last week's episode was SO amazing! 0_0 I am already dying for the next episode! Daryl is amazing in every possible way! I should probably put him on my list too...
But I'm really glad you liked the post! It's been so long since I've really posted anything at all, it's encouraging just to know that my blogger friends are still reading! :D Thanks so much for your comment! Made my day! :D