Caught Between Boredom and Excitement

It's crazy, to be caught between boredom and excitement. My life's been nothing but busy, and now that I'm out of school and 'relaxing' for the Holidays--I find myself bored most of the time. There are a few times when I'm not so bored, when I'm doing stuff with my family, friends, or sending out a quick post to you lot. Hints why I've been posting so much lately. :( But most of the time I wander about aimlessly, thinking about all the great things that are yet to come.

I'm excited about Christmas--but it's so close now, that's the problem. It's close but not here, and that drives me crazy! Maybe it's because I'm not patient, or maybe it's because I'm really excited about the iPod I may be getting for Christmas. I've been dying for one for a while now--and while I always swore I'd never cave and get one...I will admit now that I have completely caved and I'm really thrilled about getting my hands on one. Only problem is, I have to wait. Tedious days that tick past slowly are absolute torture for me. Just let the Christmas celebration start already! I'm going to go insane!


Then I'm excited about going back to school. I miss the friends I met there, and I'm really eager to start back. I hesitate though, to be excited here because I could have a completely rotten semester. While I hope that won't happen--I still worry. I'm praying hard about it. I'm praying that God will amaze me and make this semester even better than the last.

But in the meantime I have to sit and wait for my school to start back--which means, for me, worrying over this semester will be too much for me to handle or that I will have a really hard time with my fellow classmates and or teachers. I'll admit, I'm a worrier--and God is working on me in that area. I don't like unknowns, I don't handle them well--but I hope to get better. Trusting God is hard for me, I confess.

It's tedious, to say the least, to wait excitedly for things. When you do everything around you becomes less than thrilling and you quickly become bored. It's strange because, before, I was more than content to stay cooped up in my room and busy myself with a few of my own personal projects--but now all I want to do is go places and see things. I want to go cool places with my family and friends, make new friends (choosing wisely), and even have some busy work that moves me towards an ultimate goal of mine! 

But God has me here, and I think he wants me to spend this time with my family--and working on a few things in myself. Sometimes I reason and say "Oh, you're fine right now--but look at all you can't have right now!". Reasoning, refuting God's word because it doesn't make sense to me, is a problem for me and it enables me to create a million and one excuses for not doing what God has called me to do. 

I have to also remember that while there are some pretty cool things that I have to wait for--there are also some REALLY awesome things I have right now! 

Things I Have Now: 

Time to spend with God, and time to grow in Him. (It's a rare time to readjust my priorities and work on a few things in myself.) 

Time with my family, (Holiday times are always special!)

Time to write and work on my book, (I have twenty eight chapters out of forty done! So happy! But I still have a long way to go! I'm making some big changes to the middle of the book--basically dumping what I had and writing new material. 0_0 Giant thing for us writers!)

Time to spend with my really close friends (My friends Jessie and Clara are coming over tomorrow and I am really looking forward to seeing them!)

Time to work on personal projects (Like cleaning out my closet....dun dun DUN!) 

Time to read (this is VITAL to writing...a good author needs to read just as much as they write!) 

Time to celebrate, 

Time to relax (I won't have uninterrupted relaxation time for a while after I start back to school!)

Time to get my health and caffeine intake back on track (slipped up on that these past few days) 

Time to practice my photography! 

Time to reconnect with old friends,

Time to catch up on some of my favorite shows! Just finished "The Office" and, by the by, LOVED IT! Dwight is hilarious and I want to marry a man just like Jim someday! I'm trying to get my brother to watch it now. 

And, also....a few more days before The Doctor regenerates. 

In the Midst of Going Dark

It's a term used by the Gullah, usually applied to women, and is basically code for them being in a mood.

I am in a mood, therefore...I've gone dark. Basically it's where you habitually meditate on every wrong thing in your life or day, and it happens at a particular time each month--and no I'm not bipolar either. :(

It's one of those weeks/days, you know...all girls will understand. I'd also like to take a side note by pointing out that I don't normally mention--even to my close friends--when I'm in bad mood; that's just me. So this post really isn't going to be a rant, or at least, I will try to keep it from that. Please don't let irony strike me dead!

Anyway, going dark, right...well, it started this morning when I had to get up at an ungodly hour because of my Physical Fitness class and the fact that my truck doesn't run off caffeine like I do. So I got up early to finish my chores and go to school, but as I was stepping out the door (at six in the morning--which is ungodly for me) I set off our alarm system. I woke up my dad, mom, baby sister, neighbors, and scared the crap out of my brother's cat BJ. Plus I think my heart stopped for a few seconds, but that might have just been from all the caffeine I've been pumping into my adrenal glands for the past two weeks.

Then, as I was walking out the door, I discovered that my class had been canceled, which provided a momentary lapse in irritation and caused me to run around the house screaming: "Dobby is FREE! MASTER HAS GIVEN DOBBY A FREE PERIOD! DOBBY IS FREE!" I'm not kidding, I actually did that and my mother thought it was amusing.

Any-who, I spent my time at the gas station, then enjoying a coffee--more caffeine for my already stoned kidneys and hyper active adrenals--before it was time for history. History is never really boring for me...save today. When Physical Science is more interesting that history for me you KNOW I'm not having a good day. I don't know how I made it through history. Really, I kept praying for my phone to buzz and read:

I'm outside with Dean, Sam, Castiel, John, Daryl, and a mad man with a blue box. Murder in church. Crowley suspected. Moriarty in purgatory. Zombies on your campus. Don't blink. Come if convenient. 

~SH

If inconvenient come anyway. Cling to Castiel and he will grip you tight and take you from your classroom. 

~SH

And bring pie.

~DW



Then I could madly dash out the door and go off to follow a magic haired, scarfed man with no people skills around town all day while possibly explaining the purpose of a rubber duck to a very attractive, and befuddled, angel of the Lord. It would have been awesome.

However, since no such text came I was left to sit through one of our more boring history lessons. By the time English came, which was my favorite class, I was counting the minutes until I could go home. I was so tired.

But it wasn't really my day that had me going dark---it was mainly hormones. I was over thinking everything, and everyone in the world was quickly becoming my enemy. Everything everyone said either meant our relationship was over, I was stupid, or they were counting the minutes until they got away from me. When in fact--as I look back now--their actions indicated nothing of the sort. It was a normal day--to everyone except me. For me it was Shark Week--and they were all cocky seals who were just asking to get bit. But sometimes being a lady shark means you have to suck it up and not bite the snot out of some space encroaching seal with an attitude problem and a head that would look particularly nice on your wall.

Besides....Castiel says I can't go back to Purgatory again this year.

Yea, I joined that fandom. I was already half crazy from all the others--what's one more?

I also lost my faith in humanity. While exiting history class, I spotted two seven year olds waiting outside one of the offices. As I walked past I smiled at them--you know like you do whenever you see young children--but then I turned around to see both boys staring at my rear end while nodding, and the tallest of the two suddenly blurted out (excuse my french) "Dat Ass!"

0_0

I'm still not over it.

I'm still vomiting.

Still. Vomiting.

Seriously? Seriously people? Great--that's the generation of kids my children will have to associate with. Wonderful, perfect....just when I thought that the perversion of this generation couldn't possibly go further...

Dean's face says it all. :(

With my mood growing ever more despondent, it was a sweet relief when I got to talk to a particular someone after they drove me to my car. They stayed late, even though they had work and I begged them to go, it was a very sweet moment.

But then Shark Week reared it's ugly head again, and the whole way home I engaged in a bout self esteem damaging over thinking. When I finally got home I was exhausted, hungry (I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I got home at six) and ready for death. I fumbled up the stairs and discovered that my cat had thrown up in the back room of our house and it was my job to clean it up. Several grueling minutes later, during which I actually contemplated the severity of another trip to Purgatory, the cat yak was gone and I finally was allowed to stumble up the stairwell and collapse on my bed in anguish just before the heavy weight boxer decided to start practicing his punches on my insides.


I had gotten up and my own hormones had kicked my butt. But I told myself that any day where you didn't bite, scratch, or kill anyone is a good day. Sadly however, I was already dark and my mood was not improving. So what did I do? I grabbed a mini bag of sour cream and union chips and inhaled it. My mood didn't go up. It's pretty bad when even food doesn't help.

But as I lay there and moped, an idea sprang into my head. It's not a new idea, or even one that uniquely belongs to me, it actually pops into my head whenever I'm in a bad mood but I rarely act off of it as--for some sick reason--there is actually a part of me that enjoys being in a bad mood once I'm in one. This time however, I knew fully that this wasn't me and that my day was actually amazing--I was just in Shark Week.

The idea is this:

Count/List Your Blessings.

Lame, cheap, worn out, all of those terms spring to mind when someone mentions this. It's an old phrase that's spit out so often it lost it's meaning long ago, but today I'm using it because it makes me feel better.

Today I will count my blessings, and I will CHOOSE to see the good in things. This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. The fact that we have a spirit of discipline and self control that is given to us by God. Basically this means that you CAN stop yourself from doing some or start yourself doing something because God gave you the ability and strength through him to do so. This can include eating right, restraining yourself from activities you know are wrong, and thinking a certain way. My thought life is a BIG area of struggle for me, and I think it's due in part to my creative nature. Creative people's minds tend to wander all over the place, and in that we find a lot of our inspiration, however--a wandering mind can also lead to overthinking and depression. By controlling our thoughts--telling ourselves that we won't think badly of others or ourselves--we can actually limit the level of influence bad things have over us.

I know, I don't normally post religious stuff, but this is just something that I've been trying to learn this past week.

So today I will choose to think well--even if I don't feel like it.

Without further adieu, here is The List: 

The Lord who forgives me, loves me, and strengthens me to do all things through him! :D
A loving and patient family who restrains from killing me during Shark Week
Lovely and supportive friends who I got to see several times this week,
Growing photography opportunities!
Octobers--I'm very excited that it's finally fall and the leaves are changing! October is my absolute favorite month!
Straight A's in my classes
Parents who are very generous! :D
A good steady job where the bosses are very kind to me
A good school to go to,
A great friend who will sit and watch Sherlock Holmes: Hound of the Baskervilles with me and then go outside and play tackle foot ball for hours--Tag, JAMES! :D
A new writing/reading/fandom friend in History,
A friend who will trek in the woods for hours and then go with me to BK for a ice coffee! :D Tag, Jessie!
A friend who will read all of my crazy writing! Tag, Hannah!
A friend who will have a paper ball fight with us via Skype! Long story, but tag, Clara! :D
An A+ on my last English paper! That was actually given to me today! I could faint!
Loosing 15-20 pounds--I didn't mean to do it...there's just a lot of hiking opportunities now and not much eating time.
Great teachers,
A canceled class period! Dobby is FREE!
A very cuddly cat named Hobbes,
Sweater weather!
My discovery of frozen Mochas!
A sweet boy who let me borrow the Similarion!
A sweet boy who drives me to my car...same one yes. ;)
My texting upgrade! I've been texting a lot lately
Sneakiness...lot of that going on here! 0_0
And also bashfulness at school---lot of that too! ;D

Aww, Misha! :)

New episodes of the Walking Dead--yes SQUEEEE! Daryl's back!
New Episodes of Supernatural--CASTIEL!
Castiel--my love for this angel knows no bounds. That's my boy!

My boy, Cas! 

Great and interesting people in my English class who I enjoy talking to! 

New and amazing music!

A great meal with company tonight!

Plus the fact that Shark Week only lasts a little while! 

So yes, despite my bad mood, I have actually had an amazing day! Life is good, life is great, and I am grateful for it! I discipline myself to praise Him in all situations and moods! :D I am grateful and given grace! :D

Well, I'm in a better mood now--and thank heaven for it! Now I think I'll retire for a while...before my brain goes back into Shark mode. Yep, the world isn't out of danger yet. Just pray that tomorrow I don't kill someone...or end up in Purgatory. 

My Last Day as an Eighteen Year Old!

It's been a long day; most of it spent on the road. Between lugging around countless pieces of luggage to driving six hours my energy level drained out completely. Yet, despite my sleepy state, I'm still excited because tomorrow is my nineteenth birthday! 

Little ole me is finally turning nineteen this year! It's been a thrilling journey to this point, one with a lot of pitfalls and joys. While I know there will be plenty more highs and lows, I'm looking forward to this next chapter of my life! :D My nineteenth year begins within a few hours!

I continue to tell myself what a wonderful period this part of my life is, and how fortunate I am to have had such a wonderful eighteenth year! I still have a lot of spiritual growing to do, and a lot of learning ahead of me, but I will continue to challenge myself to put my trust in the Lord, for he is the master of all things and the guardian of my soul! 

Everyone around me seems to be growing up so fast! Many of my friends will be either turning nineteen this year, graduating High School, or learning to drive for the first time! Big milestones are being reached in our little group, and it fills me with never ending joy! Seeing my friends and their lives beginning to blossom and grow is a happy time! Although, I will say, the driving part does have everyone a little freaked out! :D

Any who, this past week we have been on a vacation to the beach, and we loved every minute of it! My sister was actually very sad about coming home! :( I have a lot of snapshots I'd like to share, but for now I think I'll just post a few!

Last night, such a beautiful display! 

We went to eat at a yummy seafood restaurant with my grandparents the night before we left. On the way home my siblings and I decided to have some fun! 

Got up early to take a last few pictures of the ocean. I'm already missing it! 

We got back in good ole Georgia heartland after lunch time! I was glad to head home, despite my love of the ocean!  

Us being silly! I love this girl! She is such an amazing person and friend! :D So grateful to have her in my life!

Not long after we got home my amazing friend Jessie (whose mom had been keeping the farm for us!) came over and we had a girl's night in! We laughed, talked and celebrated over a delicious dinner of Subway and a few episodes of 'Say Yes to the Dress!' We generally goofed off and clowned around the entire evening, and had a complete blast! I've really missed seeing her! With her work life being so busy these past few weeks, I hadn't gotten to see her for almost a month! It was good to reconnect and spend an evening having fun! 

Well, that's my last eighteen year old day. It was beautiful, sad, exciting, magical, and scary all at the same time! Thanks so much to my Lord who continues to provide, protect and love me everyday! Thanks so much to everyone who has stuck with me during this past year, and to all of you who have listened to my rants and boring news over and over again! Thanks to everyone who stood, and continue to stand, beside me as I grow into the woman God wants me to be!

Thanks to everyone!

Just a Little Thought: Growing

Have you ever read something you wrote years ago and been shocked at how young you were, and how much growing you have done? That's something that's happened to me lately. 

I've been working hard on my blog these past few days, hints all of the construction and sawdust (sorry, try not to breath any asbestos!), and I began to comb through some of my old blog posts. Many of them were fond memories of my 'younger' days, but with some of them I was really shocked at how...well....immature I was. It's a real shocker, and a boost (depending on how you look at it) to see how far you've come, and to know that there are certain faults you aren't battling as much. Not to say that I'm not still immature --I know that I'm still very young at heart, which is good to a certain extent, I grew up slowly and I'm happy because of it--but what I'm trying to say is, there are certain needless battles that I was fighting with myself that have since resolved themselves. 

I look back at myself then and think, "I was so immature! Great...now I'm embarrassed I ever sounded like that!" But I comfort myself with the knowledge that I've grown a lot since then. I've learned a lot since then, won a lot of battles and experienced a lot of joys. 

This has hit me especially hard lately as I am preparing to go back to college. I began thinking about how young I am and how I still have so much to learn and, needless to say, I began to worry. I thought about how I'm still just a baby and I began praying to God about the issue, saying that I felt unprepared. During this time I decided to redo my blog, and that's when I saw the old posts. 

I read almost all of them, and was shocked at how much I have changed. The way I post, speak to others, and see myself has--I think--matured. It was a real shocker and boost. Funny how God throws these little things into our lives. 

Now, I'm in no way completely mature! I still act goofy and have a lot to learn about the world and my faith. I'm not trying to sound all, "OOOOHHH look how mature I am now! HAHAHA!". I'm still a kid, having fun and living at my own speed while I can and enjoying the world God has given me! But this was a message that I'd like to share.

We all mature at our own rates, that's something that is near and dear to my heart. So many people seem to want to grow up too fast, rushing through their early life so they can 'fit in', and with those of us who decide to take our own chosen paths...things can be rough. My parents were always very supportive of me in this area, they encouraged me to be more mature--but not in the way the world wants, but in the way God wants. I took my steps as God placed them before me and enjoyed it. 

But we all feel immature at sometimes, and we all act immature at times. We all have that friend we get completely crazy with, or that one day when we just want to be silly. That's just us! However, there are those doubts that leak into our minds that tell us that we aren't moving fast enough, or we're not doing things right. We're behind, unprepared, stupid, or silly. We're immature. 

Now, there are times when we feel we have acted immaturely, and know we should have been more responsible or respectful. In those situations, however, we have a pressing on our hearts to do better and we calmly and quietly move forward up the new step God has given us. The doubts I'm talking about are the ones that keep you up at night, worrying if you're 'good enough' to face the world; old enough inside to face what is thrown at you. Will you fit in? Will you be able to handle yourself without being branded as the 'weirdo'? 

Those doubts aren't steps, they're fears. Fears set within your heart to keep you from moving forward. I could never say that trusting that God moves you forward in his own timing is easy, but is comforting to realize that he does. 

God moves us when he wants to move us, and where he wants to move us! Sometimes, in trying to grow up fast we don't really grow up at all. Growing up takes time and we have to learn each lesson that God places before us. Some are painful and some are not, but hard or not we have to learn them. 

But it is comforting to know that you have, indeed, matured. You're not the same person you were five years ago, you've grown! You've learned so much! To me, that's something to celebrate! Knowing that you've moved forward in your journey is exciting! Exhilarating! 

Sometimes I think we get so caught up in trying to conquer our current step that we forget to look back and smile at all of the challenges we've already over come! God intended us to live our lives happily, honoring him and resting in his peace; part of that is celebrating in the path he has placed us on and the great works he has accomplished in our lives!

This is a message I just wanted the share today because I believe it is a powerful one. 

We don't have to grow up in a day, nor do we have to conform to the world's idea of 'normal'. We answer to a different authority; one who loves us very much and who knows what is best for us. God matures us as needed, and while we still need to work with him and the pressings that he places on our hearts, we can rest easy knowing we are in good hands. 

I don't usually share spiritual things, as I believe I am still growing in my Christian walk, but I just wanted to share this little thought with you. :)

Your happy blogger,

Rebecca